When K. told me she struggled with an attraction to men, who, like her, were fiercely independent, intelligent, adventurous, interesting, and funny, but repelled by marriage and children, and only interested in sex, I shared this was a common issue.
In my Relationship Coaching practice, I’ve heard it countless times.
The skills women develop to make things happen in the world are not always useful and transferrable to relationships. To borrow a saying: when trained to be a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Women (and men) become one-trick ponies.
When you say, “I’m fiercely independent,” the message you send is “I don’t need you.”
Where’s the motivation to put skin in the game?
It is no wonder K’s pool is filled with non-committal men who don’t need her either, except for sex, of course. That she identifies as fiercely independent takes them off the commitment hook… leaving her puzzled when she reveals her true desire for marriage and children.
In truth, the issue is not that she is independent. The issue is that’s her identification as such limits her in her ability to fully express the complexities of who she is or what she wants. She wants to receive.
If you take anything from this post today it’s this: You don’t get any say in your desires.
You do get a say on whether or not to act on them.
One of the ways I support my clients in feeling legitimate with their desires is by stating their dating purpose up front. On the very first date.
This no only builds your legitimacy, resilience and receiving muscle. it also helps you sort the riffraff from the real deal: the one who would be willing to give you what you rightfully want.
K could have shared “The purpose of my dating is to find a committed, loving partner who desires to marry and have children. What is the purpose of yours?”
If their response is, “I was just looking for a one-night-stand” you are now free to choose to either take them up on their offer or thank them for a lovely evening as you part ways.
No matter the outcome, you get to stay true to yourself and your desires instead of getting caught up in doubt, confusion, anger, shame, blame and frustration.
If this approach feels confronting, it is. It flies in the face of what we’ve been taught about relationships: hold your cards close until you get chosen.
When you do the “real” work of approval, of feeling legitimate about your desires, it brings about a great sense of peace and trust in your own abilities to act on them.
Receiving your desires?
That’s for another time…
Let’s talk. Schedule your complimentary Discovery Session click here now. Looking forward to supporting you in your next expression steps