“You’ll never find another who loves you as much as I do!” I screamed as he walked away.
This was me, 13 years ago, desperately clinging onto the vestiges of my rapidly dissolving relationship.
Although I’m not proud of that moment it was a landmark event that changed the course of my relationships..
Once sober, my head above the absolute shame I was swimming in, I proclaimed:
Never. Again.
Never again would I settle for one who:
- Didn’t love and cherish EVERY part of me
- I could not be fully myself with
- Couldn’t hold me at my lowest and champion me at my highest
- Avoided difficult, honest, genuine and sincere conversations
- Had no interest in commitment and growth.
Drawing the line in the sand was easy.
But how to actually do this?
I had spent so many years blaming, judging, condemning my partners so I could feel vindicated and righteous about my position and stance that I new no other way than to feel victimized when it all fell apart.
When it dawned on me that to change my experience in relationship I had to take a close look at the role I’d played each step of the way, I cringed.
I had to be willing to give up being right in order to be Loved.
And so began the first stage of the three stages in my relationship work: Readiness.
Now most people would prefer to skip over this step in order to get right to the juiciness and excitement of a new relationship only to trip over old, familiar patterns that destroy it. Again.
You know those patterns: the stories, thoughts and dynamics that lead to a predictable demise of a relationship: disagreements, boredom, deception, betrayal, arguments, followed by a breakup.
With it, the cycle of condemnation begins: you get to feel justified in your position. Then, in the quiet stillness of the night, you get to feel self-deprecation and shame. You weren’t ____ enough to be committed to in a happily ever after.
Which leaves you once more, feeling alone, heartbroken, questioning yourself and your right to deep, soulful Love.
Instead you could confidently act in service of your desire for it.
This is why first my yearlong Love by Design Mentorship programs include the first step of Readiness which holds as its foundational teaching:
Be the one at cause for what you want to create.
If you seek a committed long-term partner that can not only handle but cherish the totality of all of you, you need to be willing to do the delicate work of re-training: beginning with a sense of personal responsibility.
Listen, not all of us were raised with a healthy relationship model. It makes sense that without exploration we would unwittingly repeat what we know.
But we have choice to do the next relationship, and even the one you are currently in, differently.
To support you in doing that, I’ve created a 7 step process that uses the 4 key elements of: Mentorship, Retraining Practices, Accountability and Brain Based creative processes.
All to support you in gaining awareness of your blind spots, retrain your antiquated habits, and consistently practice tools and skills to grow your sense of honor, loyalty and commitment…
…so you’re ready for the next step: Coupling.
Skip step one..
…and you’re doomed to repeat history.
Fully engage in it and you create a vastly different outcome for when your partner appears.
I will tell you that although this step of Readiness is essential to relationship success, it is not for the faint of heart. Many say they want transformation, but few are willing to do what it takes to create the change transformation requires.
This first step of Readiness is you putting skin in the relationship game.
If you’re willing, diving deep into the work of Readiness is the way to guarantee a greater sense of confidence when Love presents itself to you.
I’ll be sharing more and the second step to successful relationships next week, so come on back.
Looking to know more about the first step of Readiness? Let’s talk. Click here to apply for a complimentary 1-1 Discovery Call with me. You’ll be glad you did.
In the meantime a reminder to choose love, always.
See you next week,
Joëlle