It is customary for clients who seek out my relationship coaching support to have either thin boundaries with others (difficulty saying no) or overcompensate with thick boundaries (avoiding intimacy and close relationships).
The dominant culture trains us to see the world in either-or dualities: I can either be nice and say yes to everyone or mean by refusing requests. In truth, relationships express themselves in polarities – opposites that depend on one another to create a whole.
Birth/death, love/hate, giving/receiving, saying yes/saying no.
Through our conditioned training we learn to habitually cling to one side of a polarity. For instance, you may have learned to cling to the giving end of giving-receiving polarity and find it challenging to receive or set firm boundaries.
Enacting an all-or-nothing move and shifting reactively to the other side.
If you feel habitually stuck in one side of a polarity or double bind, try this:
1. Identify the relationship challenge you’re facing where you believe that a polarity is at play
2. Name the two poles you are grappling with. Ex. Boundaries/no boundaries
3. Draw a square divided into four quadrants
4. Label the left and right columns with the names of each side of the polarity
5. Label the top row “what I love about this”; and the bottom “what I fear about this”
Write everything you love about having and lacking boundaries, and everything you fear about having and lacking boundaries.
Stay with it and allow yourself to percolate. My clients are always surprised by what is revealed to them through this process.
Deep down my coaching is about helping you cultivate the skills you need to embrace the both-and needed in relationships which requires a willingness to dance with ambiguity.
Are you willing to embrace the polarities inherent in you to be best equipped to have the connection you seek long term?
Let’s talk. Click the link below for your complimentary Discovery Call with me. Let’s see if the relationship work I do is a match for what you’re looking for. Click here now.