In my parent’s living room, there used to be a set of Matryoshka or nesting dolls. As a child, I remember unpacking them, one by one, and putting them together, separately: from the largest to the tiniest (my absolute favorite one), all dressed in the same way – as if, literally, they were cut from the same cloth.
Within us, we contain the knowledge, whether consciously or not, of all the people that came before us. It defines and informs who we are and who we become in this lifetime.
For some, the matrilineal and patrilineal lines are replete with pain and disconnection – the “nesting dolls” are cracked, warped, unable to fit safely one inside the other. It ripples into the fabric of your life. It has you living into a sense of being fractured, disconnected, and disenfranchised into your relationships.
It encourages the self-myth that partners and relationships can be your redeemer, expecting the love you crave to flow elixir-like, filling your empty spaces, healing your pain.
When it stops flowing, even momentarily, fear sets in. To get things back on “track” people generally take one (or all) of the following approaches.
The first, and most common, involves directly trying to force them to change back – pleading, criticizing, demanding, seducing, negotiating, withholding to get them to change.
The second is to use all those techniques on yourself with self-criticism and shame – to find what they don’t like and sculpting yourself into what you think they want, even if it’s not a true reflection of who you are.
The final way kicks in once you give up on getting the love you crave: you search for another relationship, numb/distract from the pain enough to stay in the one you’re in, or numb and distract to live alone.
In truth, our partners can no more cleanse a sense of unworthiness in your relationship than can food, drugs, achievement, or perfect appearance. For that, you’ll need to do a U-turn.
Next week, I’ll share 3 steps you can take to begin the process of changing your approach to relationship projects through the gift of approval.
Let’s talk. Click the link below for your complimentary Discovery Call with me. Let’s see if the relationship work I do is a match for what you’re looking for. Click here now.