Is this even a question for you?
It is for me.
Almost two decades ago I decided that when it was my time to shuffle off this mortal coil I would take no baggage with me.
The trauma from my formative years, coupled with added trauma created from the relationships I’d chosen had caught up with me. After landing myself in a psychiatric ward as a result, I drew a line in the sand. Relationship got me into the mess. Relationship was going to have to be the way out.
I’ve spend the last 20 years actively working with mentors and teachers, therapists and aligned communities to support me in honoring and living into my decision to be clean and clear upon my death.
Legacy: A thing intentionally handed down by a predecessor.
When the line was first drawn, it came from a space of, ”I refuse to take any of this shit with me.” Over the years and with the work done with clients I’ve come to realize this line was much more significant.
It had to do with my son.
And with my grandchildren.
Their grandchildren’s grandchildren.
If I didn’t heal this in me, what of them?
Honestly, the thought was too much to bear.
How could I live with myself knowing I would be, in part, at cause for passing on a legacy of trauma?
How could I instead be at cause for creating a different outcome, a more inclusive, unconditionally loving framework for those progeny I may never meet?
In case you ever wondered, this is my why.
The why that drives my investment and commitment to my Relationship Coaching work.
Because I was forged in a crucible of relationship pain, I have the capacity to hold big spaces for those who are ready to take a deep dive into long-lasting relational change.
Next week, I am headed to my parent’s home in France. Our relationship in this lifetime has been spotty. As they ready themselves to transition into a care facility, I prepare to support them in doing so with dignity.
“Dignity????” you might ask, ”But, Joëlle, why would you help the very people who set the stage of trauma for you?”
Believe me, I swam in that soup of victimhood, anger, blame, resentment, shame, and judgment for decades. (How do you think I landed in the psych ward?)
Through my work, I came to realize that so long as I swim in that soup, I keep it alive for them and for those who come after me. I feel called to leave a different legacy.
The choice point to lead from Love is not for the faint of heart.
You have to have a BIG WHY.
So as I prepare for this stage of midwifery: supporting with all the minutia required to transition my parents into the facility they will likely die in, while simultaneously holding their fear and grief, I feel deep gratitude…
…For every last drop of this journey.
Every decision a choice for Love, a stand for my son (and his children yet to be conceived). It is choice to be an ancestor that changes the course of “familial fate.”
If you hear nothing else, hear this: you cannot separate your family relationship dynamics from your romantic ones. If you don’t change the one, the dynamic will play a role in the other.
What relational legacy will you choose?
Over the next few months I’ll be sharing what it takes to navigate these somewhat turbulent parental relationship waters, so come back.
But, if you don’t want to wait that long and want to chat, great. Click here to apply for your complimentary 1-1 Discovery call with me. Let’s see if the relationship work I do is a match for you.
In the meantime a reminder to choose love, always.
See you next time,