Julie (not her real name) had just discovered the man she’d been dating had a double life when she sought me for relationship support.
He was seeing another woman simultaneously.
This was not the first time Julie had found herself sucking on the fuzzy end of the relationship lollipop.
A self-proclaimed independent woman, she not only brought in millions a year in her line of business, but was well-respected and recognized for it. Despite her success, she continually found herself dating duds. Although Julie desperately desired a loving (and exclusive) long-term relationship, she repeatedly dated men who were:
- Emotionally unavailable
- Deceitful
- Unwilling to fully commit
- Untrustworthy
- Disrespectful of her time, her money, her heart
Though at work she was a force of nature. her inability to translate that skill set into dating and relationships had her frustrated and feeling incompetent. She could just not figure it out.
“Why am I meeting all these high powered guys who won’t commit?” she asked.
This question created anxiety, confusion, doubt, second guessing – the exact opposite of what she felt at work.
So she doubled down. With an overall attitude of “Fuck you, I’m out of here” she fully threw herself into work where she knew she could confidently get results.
When she showed up to the Love by Design Mentorship doorstep, she was exhausted, angry at men and angry at herself for falling for their crap, again. And yet her heart still desired love.
To be honest, this pattern is common for the clients I tend to work with. As smart, successful, independent people they can’t figure out how to break the cycle of dating uncommitted partners.
Here’s the jiggy. You are independent, do things for yourself and confidently handle shizzle every day. Not only are you proud of this fact, if you’re completely honest, maybe a little righteous about it.
With that fierce independent streak you might have a habit of driving yourself on your dates, paying for your half of the meal, opening your own door, pulling out your own chair… you get what I mean.
I’m going to remind you, in case you forgot: the sperm goes to the egg.
Your independent streak means you’re making the situation convenient, easy. which means there is no need to put any true skin in the game. This is great as a short term strategy. Why you may ask?
You’re meeting with their approval, but not their respect.
If you’re looking for short-term, non-commitment – a fuck buddy, say -your independent streak is an asset. You both get to show up in your independence. You get to connect on a surface level and then merrily go off on your own way.
If that’s what you’re looking for, great! Carry on.
If not, thinking your independence is a strong point is the very thing that’s tripping you up.
What is your asset at work is a liability in love.
For a long-term ongoing relationship, you’re going to have to give them a place to dock their boat.
What does that mean?
Your strategic, damn-the-torpedoes work approach means you’re doing some moving and shaking. If you happen to be dating one who shares those qualities, you’ve created the perfect recipe for emotionally unavailable partnership.
You need to stop acting like you’re the sperm in your dating…
…Be the egg.
Julie thought relationships were about control – just as she could control the outcome of her work deals.
The skill set she needed to develop for love was openness and surrender.
Now, if in reading this your reaction was to hit the eject button, let me tell you: this is common.
Know you’re not expected to give up any part of your power. In fact, whether you believe it or no, you are the one who holds it.
I’d like you to consider the possibility that you can wield it while also being receptive and open. Are you willing to allow a partner to fully dock their boat in your bay?
In stage one of relationship success, Readiness, I teach you to address two major factors that block your genuine confidence: FEAR and DOUBT. You learn Discomfort Resilience tools help you to manage anxiety, fear and overwhelm so you are free to show up not as a scared child, but as a confident adult in every interaction. With regular, consistent practice, you begin to co-author authentic relationships solidly based on clarity, honesty, sincerity, and genuine connection.
That’s why my Love by Design Mentorship programs are set up to help you learn the art of vulnerability and receptivity – that is the skillset you, as an independent woman, need to acquire.
If you’re willing, diving deep into the work of Readiness is the way to guarantee a greater sense of confidence when Love presents itself to you.
I’ll be sharing more and the third step to successful relationships next week, so come on back.
Looking to know more about the first step of Readiness? Let’s talk. Click here to apply for a complimentary 1-1 Discovery Call with me. You’ll be glad you did.
In the meantime a reminder to choose love, always.
See you next week,
Joëlle