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Why you are not the one he’s committing to….

It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you.  Truth be told, I’ve been in a major stuck.  

I reached out on FB to women who might have the courage to share some of their own “stucks” as a way to get some inspiration for you.

I got this response from Kim:

“I’m currently struggling with the following: the men I find myself most attracted to are, like me, fiercely independent, intelligent, adventurous, interesting, passionate, and funny. Unlike me, the only interest they seem to have in a partner(me) is sexual. These men also are repelled by the concepts of marriage & children. But those are both things I long for. Why would men I have so much in common & chemistry with not want more out of me than sex??? Why am I not that “woman that changes their mind” about commitment?”

Wow.  Could I identify with this one.  To answer her I shared where I saw her getting tripped up:

She is fiercely independent attracting fiercely independent men, all the while desiring marriage and children.  Let’s look closer… You have two fiercely independent people, what are the chances of being inter-dependent over the long haul?  of marriage?  children?   You know it… Slim to none….

I am not advocating she give up this quality about herself.  This is the very thing that lets her get things done in the world,  pay her bills, get recognition, solve world issues, be a Leader.  It gives her satisfaction and, besides, we need more women like her rocking their bad ass selves.

The problem is that these skills don’t transfer well into the realm of relationship.

When you say “I’m fiercely independent,” the message you send is “I don’t need you.”  

It is no wonder Kim’s pool is filled with non-committal men: they don’t need her either, except for sex, of course.  The fact that she is fiercely independent takes them off the commitment hook… leaving her puzzled when she shares her true desire for marriage and children.

What to do?

Sorting the riff-raff from the real deal means stating her true desire up front, sharing her dating goal: “The purpose of my dating is to find a loving partner who desires to marry and have children.”

Whaaaa????  Yup.

If his response is, “I was just looking for a one-night-stand” you can make a decision then.  An adult decision.

This allows you to identify from the onset whether your date is a match and you can then make decisions based on what you need and what you desire.

You can actually get what you want instead of getting caught up in the confusion.

Not sure how?  No worries.  I’ve got your back.  Reach out for your complimentary Discovery Session. Click here.

In love, service and pleasure,

Joëlle

Joëlle Lydon is a love and relationship mentor, educator, speaker, writer, poet, and founder of JoelleLydon.com an online site that features savvy and soulful advice, articles, videos, private consultations, workshops,  and retreats (both live and virtual). She has been featured in Healthy Life Magazine, Times Union Newspaper, Life at Home Magazine, CoachCampus.com, Blog Talk Radio, Healing Springs Journal, CDPHP, Time Warner Cable News, Fox News and more. You can also follow Joëlle on Twitter and Facebook. 

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