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Why Am I Still In?


How is it that love is measured?  I find myself still asking that question long after a relationship is done.  Can we use calculators for this question?  And if we were to use  a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being “I thank my lucky stars he is in my life,” and 1 being “He’s alright, but I’d rather shave my legs”)? Can you then subtract your love amount from his love amount and multiply that love differential by your age to determine the depth of the “love” gap?

It’s impossible to use such a scale. I know this because I’ve tried. I spent most of my last relationship trying to determine who loved more – the results always felt skewed.

I’ve recently heard the theory that it’s better to be with a man who loves you more.  It’s an attractive proposition.  Although, the idea was that love comes more naturally to women, whereas men are the “special needs” gender, requiring emotional handicapping, doesn’t sit right.  I watch my own sixteen year-old son, full of love.

And perhaps, I’m bitter.  In fact, I know I am, so already this post is biased.

I might have felt that somebody owed me a love debt and it was time to pay up.  I may be angry at myself for having tolerated so little commitment in return.  I am the kind to give my heart away, BIG – like everything else in my life.

I understand the appeal of being the person who loves less. It seems safe. How could you ever get hurt if he feels lucky to have you? You’ve got the power.

You’ve also got the doubt, the guilt, and the fear that this might be as good as it gets. It’s that kind of thinking that makes you start to wonder if it’s okay to love less. But I’m here to tell you it’s not, even in the midst of heartache. A good relationship is one where both people think they got a great deal.

That simple idea makes a lot of sense to me. Why shouldn’t the person who loves less, love fully, and why shouldn’t the person who loves more, have that love returned? I’m still swimming in these questioning waters.

At a certain point, when it comes to love, my experience is that you’re either in or you’re out. And if you’re out, you need to ask yourself, “Why am I still in?”

Why are you?

xoxo Joëlle

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