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When to Let Go

 

I spent this past week-end with the divine Mama Gena giving back to the School of Womanly Arts, the school that has given so much to me.  It was the second in five week-ends of the Mastery program.  Along with over a dozen other women, I spend those two and a half days supporting participants, staff, Regena and Anne Davin in an event that is nothing short of life changing and spectacular.

The energy of it fed me all the way home.

I couldn’t bring myself to jump back into my “job” Monday morning.  It was just not in my pleasure, yet I had to go as I am only given so much “time off”.  So, on about 5 hours of sleep, I dragged myself in, taught my classes, picked up my son, organized a recording for one of my speakers, cooked dinner, spent some time chatting with my son only to collapse in front of the tv for some mindless time.  It gave me an excuse to stop.

The strong desire not to go in that morning had been a beckoning from my body and from source to stop, “be” rather than “do”.  Yet, I chose to rebel and keep up with the crazy pace I had set for myself.

By Wednesday, I collapsed.  Barely able to focus at a faculty meeting, stomach leaping and turning, eyes at half-mast and unable to absorb any information, I came home to fall into an exhausted puddle on the couch where I slept for two hours.  It was 4 in the afternoon.  So still was I, that the cat even took his nap on me.

So here’s the transparent truth and the hypocrisy I am struggling with:  I have written to you about taking time for yourself, reclaiming, rejuvenating, and bringing your life back into balance.

I admit that I have dispensed advise I have clearly not followed consistently myself.

This would mean that I would have to surrender, to let go of control, to let go of the idea that I am allow the busyness to define me, not recognizing that I am my own energy and creativity vampire.  Sound familiar?

(No wonder I have not posted anything for the last two weeks.)

While I’ve come a long way in the area of surrender and to releasing ATBS (Addiction to Busyness Syndrome [Thanks, Barbara!]), I have miles to go before I sleep (no pun intended, here).

So, last night, recognizing this (an AHA, Duh! moment…), I chose to turn myself “off”.  The moment we got home, my son and I walked the dog, caught up on our respective days, enjoyed the sunshine in “natural time”, laughed at the dog’s antics, ordered chinese and watched one of my favorite movies of all time, “Alexandre Le Bienheureux“.  (The latter, so appropriate to my latest state, a movie about a farmer who decides one day to stop farming his land and stay in his bed to catch up on years of rest he missed….)

I realize in this moment as I write this that choosing to ditch my “work” responsibilities last night in favor of “letting go” was the perfect way to honor this insight and hopefully, strengthen it.  We are all striving for balance… one moment at a time.  Let me know how you are doing on yours.

xoxo

Joëlle

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One Response to “When to Let Go”

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