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The Secret to Finding True Love


true love

“The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.” Oscar Wilde

I attended a transformational week-end in NYC with my man, my mentor and my community of Sisters.  It was the sort of experience one walks away from changed at a cellular level.

One of those levels for me was in dropping into a deeper sense of abiding love.

I used to believe that the way to a man’s heart was to become that which I thought he was looking for. How this would translate was that, early on, I would feel the need to take what little information I had about my date and flesh out the rest, creating long term “potential.”  The moment he’d been labeled “potential” I no longer saw the actual man.  Rather, what I saw were his good- looks, his amazing career (that looked good on paper), his schooling, his finances, his shit (seemingly) together – all of which lead to an expectation….I would stuff this Prince in Shining Armor, on our first date.

And how do you keep a Prince?  Why, by deceiving him, of course!

Dating became a military operation where pressure, strategy and performance were key to landing the guy.  As such, I needed to do everything possible to ensure he chose me: so I held my cards close, only revealed what I thought he might find attractive.  I schemed.  I false advertised.

Just so you know, false advertising is not a good way to find your True Love (nor is stuffing a man into an Armor.  My ex-boyfriend can attest to that.)  It just plain doesn’t work.

But courageous and unabashed authenticity, and truth does. 

When my man and I went on our first date, I was done with the hiding, done with the strategizing, done with the lying. My self-love tank was full and, quite frankly, I had nothing to lose – I wasn’t really looking for a relationship anyway, just an enjoyable Sunday afternoon.  I was going to show up honestly, genuinely and sincerely.

Before our walk, I asked if he minded that I bring my hairy side-kick.  Of course not, he responded.

I showed up with my dog.  I knew she would enjoy exploring a new place.  It brings me great pleasure to watch her having so much fun.

Because I had nothing to hide, I was totally myself. Our conversation ranged from typical getting-to-know-you questions, to nature, to business, to grieving the failing health of a parent and everything in between. I thoroughly enjoyed myself in his presence. So when, at the end of our time he asked if we could get together again, of course I said yes.

Our second date was a canoe ride on a lake.  Again, I was myself and, again, we had a great time.

It was on our third date that things turned for me, that I got thrown completely off kilter. Up until that point, he had just been a nice guy. When did things shift that I began to see potential? Knowing the pattern, I used every single tool at my disposal to remain grounded, to stay in my pleasure, to stay true to myself. I was fierce about remaining present so that I may truly see him.

Our conversations spanned all kinds of topics and I continued to give my honest, unadulterated viewpoint on each one. Now, most people would warn you to stay away from stating strong viewpoints on the first few dates when you’re trying to attract him, win him over, or have him pursue you.

I chose vulnerability and transparency instead.

You know the end of the story. We’ve been together almost two years and it is that level of transparency that is the secret sauce to the most Deep Soulful Love either of us has experienced. Each of us came into this with our own “stuff,” a willingness to say, “Oh, this is my suitcase.  That’s yours” and the desire to bear witness to each other’s unpacking.

With him I have come to realize that I am at my most powerful, most attractive when I am living inside my incandescence, my inspiration, my truth. It is in that place I can be most expressive and it was the fact that I didn’t hold back, that I shared what I felt that inspired him to shift from wanting just a “fling” to desiring much, much more.

So, as we drove back up from NYC last week-end we recognized the terms boyfriend/girlfriend fall short of what we have become to one another, that there doesn’t seem to be a term to explain this liminal space in which we sit and that it keeps getting better and better.

And it was worth risking everything I’d ever been taught about honesty in relationship to create the kind of Deep Soulful Love we are living out now.

Do you need help finding True Love?  Set up your Dare to Love Greatly Breakthrough Session with me.  CLICK HERE

Your Soulwork for this week is to share, in the comments below your where you seem to get stuck in your dating.  Be honest.

Recognize that the road to Love is circuitous, riddled with swamps and potholes.  In transparently and vulnerably owning every facet of who you are, you  begin your journey home to your worth so that you may open up to the DEEP SOULFUL LOVE you’ve always desired. 

Listen as I have sounded it out for your pleasure:

P.S. While this material doesn’t cost you a cent, it came from my heart. All I ask is that you share this post with at least three friends. Fair trade, right? xoxo Joëlle



2 Responses to “The Secret to Finding True Love”

  1. Hi Joelle. I love what you say here and how you set the groundwork for a relationship of depth by being true to yourself and not playing facade games during your first dates. It’s rare to hear this and to see just where honesty can lead a woman and a man. Thank you!

    • Joëlle says:

      Thank you so much, Sister, for your kind words. It’s true. We tend NOT to lead with vulnerability and transparency when dating and expect to find Mr. Right – a man who could never embrace the totality of who we are because we never gave them a chance to actually see us. Instead we end up with man after man after man that is not a right fit and wonder why, when in being honest, we could have filtered out the riff-raff and been with him already. Love you. J

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