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Swimming in Vulnerability

My work as a coach, a client and human being is to allow myself and others to line themselves up with their greatest desires – so that the light and potential that has been keep secretly hidden within can be shined upon the world. This is an act of great courage.

As a child, I remember owning my “ta da” with fierceness – I sang, danced, played, and laughed with abandon. Somewhere along the way, it felt too big for the adults in my life to handle, so I tucked it in – secretly keeping it to myself. As the years grew by, so did the flesh and shield over my “ta da” and I eventually lost track of it altogether except for the pervasive and nagging feeling that I did not belong to this world. My family of origin confirming this, dismissed me altogether by sending me overseas. Everything and everyone around me reminded me of my dis-ease. I kept myself quiet. I turned to addiction. For me, it took on form as an amazing tolerance to abuse and the kind of loyalty only a dog could understand.

From that place, I made decisions about my life: I sought men and friends that would confirm that which I had grown to believe about myself, turned to alcohol to numb the grief and anger, attempted suicide and ended up hospitalized.

I don’t make these admissions to give validity to the stories I have been telling myself for the past 47 years. Rather I tell them as a way to out myself. Out my shame and guilt. To come clean and find ways to no longer own the stories that have weaved my life are for certain not true, as Byron Katie might put it. This post was spurted by a clip I saw of late by Brené Brown.

The biggest pearl from the clip for me was the idea that emotions cannot be compartmentalized – something I am so amazingly great at doing. If one numbs pain and suffering, so, too, does one numb one’s propensity to feel Joy. I no longer wish for this. It is my desire to feel with equal intensity both ends of the emotional spectrum and to reclaim my “ta da”.

It is perhaps because of these stories I have believed and lived that I have chosen coaching. I know the following are true: as long as I grow, my clients will; as long as I remain open and vulnerable, there will no longer be a need to hide – therefore I can be fully present to those whom I serve. I was born to serve. I was born to shine my light with fierceness and courage so that others may do the same.

This time, however, my path demands that I no longer hide and reclaim all aspects of who I am with integrity, compassion and love. I wish the same for you.



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