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The rupture that cracked me open

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“This journey has required me to love bigger than I ever thought I could and to find the essence of my soul.  I quickly uncovered that I could not take another where I had not gone myself.” – Jill Rogers

Years ago I learned that the most important distinction that separates a woman who consciously lives her life out from one who falls prey and victim to instant gratification is knowing how to take pleasure from her longing.  She knows that it is not about having it ALL.  Rather, it’s about relishing the overflowing satisfaction of having a desire.

Recently I got free in a place where I had had been stuck, thanks to Card Asking Man, when we reached our first serious impasse.  Without going into the nitty gritty, he made a choice that planted a mini spiritual nuclear bomb in my heart that blew me up past my current level of thinking, feeling and behaving and which invited me to stay connected, heart open, throughout the entire process.

Before I continue, you should know that I love all the stuff of my life: romance,  writing, coaching, teaching. But what drives me under it all, what is my primary and only purpose in this lifetime, is to figure out how this being (me) works.  And when I figure out how this being works, I use that information to work with others. That’s it.  Period.

Learning the architecture of rupture has been part of that journey. And, within it recognizing that the higher the impact, the greater the potential for growth.  The deeper the sense of powerlessness, the higher the possibility for empowerment.  Getting cracked open is part and parcel of living – but many of us (myself included) will choose to shortcut to the end – to the rosy, to the light, to the feel-goodness.  (That’s why there is such a strong pharmaceutical industry here in the West – they are in the  business of helping us numb.  And, in so doing, keeping us stuck, mindlessly pushing our carts around Victims-R-Us.)

We are taught that when we get caught up in grief, it’s time to turn off.  So, when Card Asking Man dropped his bomb, I chose instead to steer right into it.  I made a conscious decision to stay turned on. I chose to believe that, on some level, I had created the impasse for my own evolution and I needed to take ownership of that part of the creation.

This meant an evening of awkward silences, of anger – fueled by immense sadness, of staying in the discomfort, of feeling pain.

In the morning, I called Card Asking Man.  Shared my feelings and my gratitude for driving me so deep into grief.  I shared the perfection of this circumstance because in that aperture in which I located myself firmly, I could recognize the tremendous luminosity that resided inside the darkness I had experienced.

Then I did what I always do: reached for my community.  At 7 in the morning they held space for me so that I might, after a sleepless night, get clarity.

By allowing myself to dive nose first into all of the emotions and sensations the situation created, then by sharing it transparently with others, I found the gateway to the Divine – and cracked wide open to loving myself exactly where I was.

Just as amazingly, I was able to feel my undying love for Card Asking Man and a desire to find him right where he was – without the need to change or fix or, as I may have in the past, leave.  I was able to appreciate who he was and learn to love him inside of that.

I have immense gratitude.  In the past I felt far from loving openly and without condition.  This time, I placed a stake in the ground.  I let appreciation lead the way.  I moved beyond judgement to a place of deep acceptance.

And unconditional love.

It’s your turn: Share with us your relationship impasses.  What have you struggled with?  What lessons have you learned?  I would love to hear.  I respond to each and every one of your comments – and our community truly benefits from your guidance and wisdom.

In love, service and pleasure,

Joelle Lydon

 

 

 

 

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