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The Poetics of Desire

 

About 3 months ago, I fell into a deep silence.   I had been feeling overstuffed, cluttered, disjointed.  Beneath it a longing.  A desire, unknown.

desire

Heaven on Earth

And I stopped in my tracks.

I stopped writing, stopped working my business, stopped spending time with others, stopped pretending.  It wasn’t a depression (I am very familiar with it having had my share of bouts.)  It was more of a malaise, a feeling of agitation – the kind that wouldn’t pass no matter how much I exercised or how much I tried to release the charge.  This turbulence had no language except I knew something was shifting.

I didn’t want to fight the discomfort by “doing,” pushing, going, thinking it would pass, or distracting it away with activity.  I realized that, this time, I had to surrender to it.

Borrowing camping gear and a canoe from my man, I packed the dog and headed to the Adirondack Mountains.  I knew the exact place I wished to be.  Surrounded by lush woods and water, I spent three days alone, mostly naked, among the critters, swimming, reading, crying, dancing, sleeping on the ground, resting my eyes on the water – feeling a deep need for healing, for recalibration.

desire

First Canoe Ride

I couldn’t explain it, and yet, knowing without knowing why I gave myself permission to find myself right for being where I was.  Language or no language.  Explanation or not.  I just felt the need to break down and dissolve.

My man met me there on the fourth day excited to be spending the week-end together.  I was surprised when the feeling was not mutual. I didn’t want conversation to muddy the silence. I didn’t want to fall into a long held pattern of tending.  I desired space and freedom.  I wasn’t certain this was guaranteed with him around.  I shouldn’t have worried.  It wasn’t long before he, too, grew quiet, and together we rested in each other and in the beauty of our surroundings.

The time spent in the Adirondacks settled me for awhile, its calming after effect rippling through the following weeks.

Until agitation found it’s way in again one evening while with my man.  This time, it hit me.  Hard.  I was overcome with panic, anxiety, confusion, a need to get away from him, STAT.  I left his side and slunk into the night, feeling relief the moment I felt rain hit my skin outside of his apartment.

Harvest in Heaven

Harvest in Heaven

I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  He has been nothing but loving, kind, tender with me.  When I am with him, I feel like I am home.  It made no sense.

The next day, trying to make heads or tails of it I shared my darkness with friends. I came to realize that over the course of the last year,  I had up-leveled my sense of self-worth. Being with him had expanded my bandwidth, my capacity for expecting and having more in my life, and my relationship bar, unbeknownst to me, had been raised.

I desired MORE.

I desired a clean man – free from clutter, free from tethers that anchored him to his past. This meant he would have to take action on matters had been avoiding, face self-truths he was using me to distract himself from and decide whether what we had co-created was worth the pain and discomfort taking such a journey might bring him.

These are the poetics of desire.  These are the questions we ask when at the crossroads: When you come to realize that your worth is not commensurate to the relationship you are in, do you cut yourself free?  Or do you trust that what you have created together is strong enough, that you can love him exactly as he is, exactly where he is? Do you place your faith in that your desire for more is the new measurement by which you will cut your relationship cloth and that he’ll meet you there?

We’re on a temporary hiatus while he addresses all of those things.  (He felt it best if he had his time to recalibrate, distraction free.)   And I, I am trusting that everything is unfolding exactly as it should for our greater good.  It already has.

Listen, my Dove, I have sounded out this post for you. Tune in below:

In love, service, gratitude and pleasure,

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8 Responses to “The Poetics of Desire”

  1. Laurel says:

    Beautiful post – Getting clear on your desires is such a beautiful thing. This is a truly inspiring journey. Thank you for sharing yours.

    • Joëlle says:

      Laurel, Thank you so much for your support. You are absolutely right, clarity on your Desires can change moment to moment. This work is about continually living them out and updating them as you unfold. xoxo Joëlle

  2. Donna says:

    Joelle,
    Thank you so much for sharing your ‘deep and growing’ lessons with me. You are so brave to take the paths that you take. Stay strong! I know that you are and that you will. Much love to you,
    Donna

    • Joëlle says:

      Donna, Living my life out this way is so rich and sharing it with you, warts and all, such a pleasure. I am glad it is helpful to you. xoxo Joëlle

  3. Tanya says:

    You are unfolding beautifully, Joelle. As always, I am inspired by you and the loyalty that you have to serving your soul. Sending healing light to you with love.

    Tanya

    • Joëlle says:

      Thank you, Sister. Your friendship and love are such a gift to me. Wishing you a spectacular event, my love. Can’t wait to see the pictures! xoxo Joëlle

  4. Bohemian Babushka (@BBabushka) says:

    Touched by your post, its honesty, and the memories it brings. BB2U

  5. Katie says:

    Doesn’t sharing your journey make it so much more powerful? You commit to your truth when you write it, and you do it so beautifully. It is a beautiful affirmation of what we are all doing, growing more aware of our own highest good. Thanks Joelle!

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