“When you are no longer willing to identify with the part of you that is separating into a million pieces, you are ready for real growth.”
~ Michael Singer, author of The Untethered Soul
A few months ago, I spent a day with five courageous women who were looking to make change in their relationships with men. They came for solutions, practical tips, tools they could learn and implement and use straightaway. They were seeking to solve their relationships struggles. They wanted a quick fix. Something to alleviate the pain inside. STAT.
That’s not what they got.
What if when a woman craves a fast-food version of True Love, she’s really asking for a loving Sister that will call her on her bullsh*t?
What if, on some deep, soulful level, she knows that to have True Love, she must give up beating on the same drum that keeps her calling in the same kind of guy?
I used to think the solution to my inner problems was found outside of myself: in mentors, teachers, workshops, books. I thought that if I studied enough, spent time with enough enlightened people, I would somehow come out clean. I would no longer feel less than.
It’s a really seductive thought which held me captive, recreating the same patterns in my relationships over and over again for decades, feeling like a was victim in my own life. In seeking someone who might give me the key to unlock the emptiness I felt inside, I had overlooked a small but significant detail: though the desire was clear and I was hungry for change, I had not wrestled with my beliefs.
I wanted to ignite change without the effort.
Underlying everything I did, every thought I had was the innate sense that I just wasn’t good enough. That tiny thought, recited to myself like a mantra over the years became my reality. It became my can or can’t.
The truth is that your brain processes over 50,000 thoughts a day and 99% of those thoughts are repeated daily, which then turn into beliefs. These beliefs determine your mindset which fuel your actions (or inactions) based on what you conclude is possible for you. This, my Sisters, is what determines the outcome of your relationships.
If your beliefs are expansive and positive, full of possibility, your ability to attract the kind of love you seek is much more available to you. On the other hand, if you are working with an outdated, limiting belief, the results will always, ultimately be the same. It may be a different man, but in essence he’ll just be one more manifestation of what you believe to be worthy of.
Sometimes a small course correction is necessary to make a difference. Sometimes, a major path change is necessary.
Here are some examples of limiting beliefs that the women who came to me that day had been hanging on to:
Most women who are attracted to the work I do are looking for, what Michael Singer author of The Untethered Soul would call, a “wordly solution” to an internal discomfort. Our culture teaches us to believe that somewhere “out there” is the very thing that will bring relief to our pain. It’s going to be a quick fix, vanish instantly, will cure all ills, allow us to no longer feel the hole we have inside. It is why SO much money is spent on advertising that spins solutions as if casting spells, which we fall for hook line and sinker.
Just look at how much money we spend on products and services each year, lured into the promise of comfort, happiness, love. We are deceived into thinking that a new man, a new home, a new car, new shoes, a new lipstick will bring the relief we seek. We want effortlessness. We want easy. We want now.
Here’s the truth: relying on external factors to shift the internal landscape will always leave you wanting.
That new man? He’s just like the last one who cheated on you.
That new car? The excitement wore off after a week.
That new lipstick? Meh.
External factors won’t change you until YOU change you.
That is what the women in my workshop discovered. So long as they continued to believe the stories they had been reciting to themselves for decades, their relationships with men would not change. They had to go where they had never dared go before. It meant they had to question what they had told themselves was true and perhaps break some familial rules. It brought up fear, rubbed up against every agreement they had made about who they were and how they stood in the world.
It can feel like you are dying.
Because that antiquated mode of thinking would, should you have the audacity to do what it takes to change that part of you who has held onto that old truth, die. This is work you CANNOT do without a guide.
As my man and I cross over our two-year mark, this reality is even more evident to me. The level of deep, soulful, sexy, transparent and mature love we have with one another would never have been possible if either of us had not turned our gaze inward first, and done it with help. This is the courage it takes.
Are you ready?
Joëlle Lydon is a relationship coach, educator, speaker, writer, poet, and founder of JoelleLydon.com an online site that features savvy and soulful advice, articles, videos, private consultations, workshops, and retreats (both live and virtual). She has been featured in Healthy Life Magazine, Times Union Newspaper, Life at Home Magazine, CoachCampus.com, Blog Talk Radio, Healing Springs Journal, CDPHP, Time Warner Cable News, Fox News and more. You can also follow Joëlle on Twitter and Facebook.
Need some help connecting to the voice of your soul? Schedule your Dare To Love Greatly Breakthrough session with me today. Visit https://calendly.com/joellelydon
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