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I’m not perfect. Will he run for the hills?

is-this-your-inner-critic-vixenWednesday morning, I head to hospital for a hysterectomy.  My doctor recommended it as the most efficacious way addressing a rather large fibroid that’s taken over my belly in the last few months.

I’ve been keeping things quiet, but the truth is that of late I have found myself waking up looking and feeling like Quasimodo after a night of too much revelry at the Feast of Fools.  To be honest, the discomfort of getting my organs pushed around is pretty Crazy Town – and apparently I’m the Mayor.

I want to say I’m terrified, but I’m not.  Mind you, I’m not a cool cucumber over this either.  And yet I have a sense that I’m being taken care of – it brings me calm.

One of my concerns, though, has been how this whole hysterectomy thing would  pan out in my relationship with my man.

Not having had the best record with men, and being a teacher of Wholehearted Relationship, the truth is that in this moment when I feel emotionally wonky, my well-practiced rejected self has been given more liberties to play.  She’s not entirely convinced this man would not head for the hills the moment he realized that after driving this beautiful car (me) off the lot, she was, in fact, a lemon.

(I know, I’m not being particularly kind to myself.  But this is what driving around Crazy Town can look like – a pretty seedy neighborhood.)

It’s amazing how stress and  habit can affect one’s mindset.  And, although I have a pretty solid practice that keeps me on the right side of feeling pretty Gorgeous and Juiced up most of the time, it’s not fool proof.  I am human, after all.

So these past few months I have had doubts…

…as to whether my man would feel this whole hysterectomy thing would be just too much to deal with, and whether he’d just find an excuse to look for a newer, sparklier model where all the factory installed parts were still in perfect running condition.

Although these thoughts have been fleeting, they have niggled their way in sometimes, throwing my Sassy Self off kilter.

We all have Inner Critics – those aspects of ourselves that find us wrong for wanting more joy, more love, more sex, more money.  Just more.  This particular Inner Critic of mine is, quite frankly, an asshole (I say that with great affection) and on most days when I don’t know whether to “scratch my watch or wind my butt” I am plagued by questions:

  • Will my vagina dry up like a river bed in drought season?
  • Will I still manage to be the sex kitten I have become?
  • Will I gain twenty-five pounds?
  • Will I dig myself into a pit of despair?
  • Will my bones whither away to the size of cocktail toothpicks?

Just as quickly as these questions come in, I find a way to move them out – mostly.

The truth is this – I am in the most amazing relationship with my man, one the is even better than in my wildest dreams.  It was, and continues to be, a deliberate co-creation where he has shown himself to be honest, loving, kind, compassionate, and tender in ways I never could have imagined.

And running to the hills?

Even if he did, the healing that has occurred from being with him would allow us to part ways in love.

Today we spent the afternoon by a creek: he, doing what he loves most, fishing; me, doing what10151967_10203599059885414_1882582324_n I love most, writing in the sunshine; both quiet, both comforted by the knowledge that the other was there, both lost in thought, both knowing we were within reach.  We finished our time there laying on a blanket in the sunshine side by side, eyes closed, quietly listening to the sound of the water and the chirping of Spring birds.  It was, and is, Heaven.

Everything I teach I have learned from being in relationship with him.  All your celebrations, your successes, all of your desires have been inspired and sourced by this amazing man.  He is my Muse.

I am in deep gratitude to him as I stand at this beautiful precipice ready to take full flight.

And, Dear Sisters, I thank you for continually sharing with me your transformations, your joys, your sorrows and your celebrations.  They make everything I do worth doing.  You keep me on my path.

Keep up your research.  Keep sharing with your Clan.  Keep an open heart – for love will surely flow in.

In love, service and pleasure,

Joelle Lydon






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8 Responses to “I’m not perfect. Will he run for the hills?”

  1. Christina says:

    Gorgeous One .. I feel your love, your fierceness, and also your trepidation into this event taking place. I would be too.. I also get the vibe that all will be as it is and will remain the same, with your body , your juiciness, your everything – & that your Beloved will stand by you even more beyond what you can expect – and so it shall be..!!

    • Joëlle says:

      Thank you, ma cherie! Your love and juice are so appreciated. And, it is true. My Beloved stands true. xoxo Joëlle

  2. Donna says:

    Joelle, Your writing is gorgeous, as ever. I know, as do you, that you take such good care of your temple. And that your strong mind and body will bring you back to an even more beautiful state. You have the power to do that. Yes, it is true. My best to you…

    • Joëlle says:

      Thank you Sweet Donna,
      It is with the support of an amazing Clan of like-minded women that the healing is done. Thank you for being part of mine. xoox Joëlle

  3. Sandra says:

    I am in ah of your bravery for sharing this beautiful piece of writing with us.
    Your strength is evident within your words, today my thoughts will be with you!

    • Joëlle says:

      Thank you. I am on the road to reclamation. All of this is unfolding exactly as it should – as is true with your own life. Sending you love, xoxo Joëlle

  4. Susan says:

    Hey Girlfriend,
    The best to you for a quick recovery!
    Remember the juicy inner Goddess
    is you it is not your body or your mind.
    It is your soul! That will never be taken
    from you or leave you it is you !
    It is you that this man loves and it is you
    That will return to him with even more
    passion and zest for life as these
    experiences are known to do .
    So no worries! Take care of yourself
    and know much
    love is being sent your way!!!!
    Love and light xoxo

    • Joëlle says:

      Thank you, Susan, for your lovely words and healing thoughts. It is true. I am on my way, as are you. I am deep appreciation of you! xxoo Joëlle

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