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Do you handle things too well?

Are you one to believe deep down that she who can suck it up the most without falling apart is the strongest and will be rewarded in the end?

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According to Martha Beck, there are two ways people handle their emotions: Acting while refusing to talk, and talking while refusing to act.  She defines people who talk, talk, talk, talk rather than act as “story fondlers” –  and people who act, act, act rather stopping, feeling or thinking as “fire fleers.”

We fire fleers are pain avoiders. We put off, ignore, avoid or repress our suffering, keep it to ourselves. And, when we are genius and brilliant fire fleers, we manage to keep our pain hidden – even from ourselves- until we can’t.

Story Fondlers are those who recount their tales of woe endlessly to as many as will hear.  They are easy to spot by seeing the panicked “I-can’t-escape” look in the eyes of their listeners.

We fire fleers are desperately afraid of being story-fondlers.  The idea of imposing or inflicting our pain on anyone else feels, well, just plain yucky. We get so adept at handling things (or at lest giving the semblance of handling things) that we even hide how bad we feel from ourselves.  Here’s the problem:

When you flee from your pain, you don’t get the messages that your emotions are desperately trying to send you.

Your emotions are what Abraham refers to as your “internal guidance system.”  They are your GPS — factory installed — you already are in possession of them.  When you are feeling down and are avoiding, ignoring or repressing these emotions,  you limit your ability to receive information that could really help you out and provide relief.   Giving yourself permission to feel is the first step:

Create a B*ITCH Board:

B – Bring

I – Illumination

T – To

C – Courageous

H – Honesty

You may be familiar with Vision Boards – a visual medium where you select pictures from magazines that appeal to your heart, cut them out, paste them on poster board and hang for daily inspiration and manifestation.  The B*ITCH Board is similar.  The difference is in the choice of pictures you select:  allow them to resonate with the discontent that you are feeling.

Creating a B*ITCH Board leads to some Wows.

You may have noticed that, after repeated efforts to keep emotions at bay, you may be cranky, short tempered, reacting to circumstances and others in a way that may not be typical for you when you are letting the emotions flow.  In creating this board, you get a chance to clean out your emotional home.  If it is cluttered with emotional charge, you leave little room to allow all of those dreams and desires you are so longing for in your life.

I created my first B*ITCH Board about a year ago.  I didn’t want to admit that a close friendship had arrived at the end of the road.  I couldn’t find anything to appreciate about the relationship.  I was scared of losing the closest girlfriend I had.  After tolerating crankiness far too long, I sat down and did a B*ITCH Board.

I acknowledged that I missed the friendship we had had, that I didn’t appreciate being manipulated, that I missed the ease of our conversations, the uplifting, the mutual inspiration, that I feared I would not find another who would ever appreciate or get the real me.  Doing a B*ITCH Board allowed me to let the grief flow through me, have a messy old snot-fest over this loss and release my attachment to the past.

Then I did a Vision Board.

Because I chose to acknowledge the crud that had built up with me and released it, and followed it with clarity on what it was I was looking for, I have attracted into my circles an amazing array of girlfriends — all of which share an understanding of mutual support and love.  At our team events, Dr. Christiane Northrup has often stated this credo: “Community = Immunity.”  I believe firmly in that.  Having spent decades as a lone wolf, I recognize the value and power of an uplifting and inspiring community where the basic understanding is that a rising tide uplifts all ships.  This is a miraculous shift. And I really credit the B*ITCH Board!

By giving myself  permission to feel what I was trying to avoid, I found the space and energy to create my own new beginning.

And you can too.

If you are a Fire Fleer, do a B*ITCH Board followed by a Vision Board.  It is important that you do BOTH back to back.  Stopping at the B*ITCH Board will put you in Story Fondler mode and keep you stuck.  Create space by releasing first to create the fertile ground upon which to sow your desires. This will  help you to find the relief you are seeking in order to ignite your courage to be the change you wish to see in the world!

Share below your experiences with the B*ITCH/Vision Board Combo.  We all learn from each other!

5 Responses to “Do you handle things too well?”

  1. Christina Venter says:

    Yes, we learn from each other and yes we must be the change in the world we want to see. Emotional stuff is very hard for me – taking baby steps in this area…..

    Blessings and thanks for sharing.

    • Joëlle says:

      My absolute pleasure. Keep coming back. It’s one foot ahead of the other – we eventually get to where we need to go.
      xoox Joëlle

  2. Junaline says:

    Great article Joelle! I am a Vision Board Coach (and life&Soul coach) but I think I’ll get on board with the B*itch Board too! Just what I need to ‘heal’ from a friendship borne out of rejection. Gratitude a la max! Junaline

  3. Ronda says:

    Love this post!! I’m definitely a “fire fleer” and I don’t want anyone to EVER think I’m a “story fondler”… lol. I have a few friends that are the latter and tend to avoid them too.

    I definitely need to work on letting the emotions out, acknowledging them and setting them free.

    Thanks Joelle!

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