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Confessions of A Doormat

 

In my desire to truly integrate the work of Pleasure into my life and having spent the last year with Mama Gena I have found myself completely overhauled. Prior to spending time in that community, I had been grasping at a semblance of pleasure for myself while talking it up, encouraging others to look for it in their lives… As with many things in my life, I resisted taking the advices I was so freely dispensing. It was so much easier to help others. After all, they were worth it – and I’m a coach, I could facilitate the way…

To take the time to consciously walk the pleasure path for myself had been a different story altogether. It had required too much intimacy, too much work, too much fear. Fear (settled safely under the guise of laziness) had bred a continual sense of unworthiness. I knew how to be scared, I knew how to be small, I knew how to crawl into myself- and strange as it sounds, it felt safe and familiar there. It was my own self-made burka.

In the last year, while attempting to hold it all together, my life seemingly came undone.

How did I find pleasure there, right?????

I enrolled in Mastery followed by a round of Inner Circle.

It was the Ultimate act of Self-Love and Self-Protection – a way to take all of this S-H-I-T and use it as rocket fuel to launch who I am meant to be, to use it as my source of power rather that feeling victimized by it.

I had no idea how things would turn out. I know this now: I am changed.

I am confident,
I take risks I never would have even considered,
I look at myself in the mirror and can truly see my beauty,
I use self-pleasuring as a tool to disarm anger, sorrow and grief (it works!),
I am also using self-pleasuring for self-discovery: I am like a piano and if I want to play Rachmanninoff, I have to practice!
I am more vocal about my needs, I ask for what I want and am more able to receive,
I have committed to loving my body,
I am leaning on my friends more for support rather than feeling a need to take care of it myself, or not “bother” them with the minutiae of my life,
I am feeling more empowered,
I see my current situation as a true opportunity for me to discover what I want,
I am inspired to want more than what I’ve allowed myself to receive.
And the feedback I am getting from myself and others, is that I am finally on the right path.
May you find yours.

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