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Between My Heart and This Known Place

 

I am angry.

I wish I had the ability to stay in a delicious, juicy, “kumbaya” space 100% of the time.  Not in my current state of evolution.  Just like you, I struggle with the desire to be complete, and the reality of being a woman in process.  Some days, I am at my best, I am “on”, I am lit up.  Others….

So, in the spirit of the journey and transparency, I wanted to let you know of my most frustrating struggle: Who I am, and Where I find myself to be.

Who I am:

  • a free spirit full of light.
  • one who delights in the present moment and in the journey.
  • one who values creativity, harmony, growth, serenity and pleasure.
  • one who sees and is highly sensitive to the potential and Greatness in every being she meets.
  • one who loves being a mother.
  • one who hungers for knowledge and experiences.
  • one who gets immensely turned on when she is trusted to be the catalyst for change in her students’ and clients’ lives.
  • one who enjoys sensuality and beauty.
  • one who could not do without a tree out of every window and woods nearby.
  • one who loves a garden.

Where I am:

  • between two worlds: the seemingly “real” world of a job and career in teaching I have chosen for 25 years, and the vocation I desire to have (and been working toward building) for the remainder of my days.

The sense of anger I feel lies between the two and in the lines “I am brave but I’m chicken shit.” (Alanis Morrissette)

I often feel like chicken shit.  This dance is very old and it would take great courage and faith to let go of everything I know to pursue everything I love.  The truth is that doing it halfway is frustrating and not working for me.  The old foot of academia keeps me mired, making it difficult to move ahead.

I share my heart with you.  These struggles come from landing on my face over and over again and getting up anyway, from feeling stuck, from feeling like a fraud, from a desire not to mislead you into believing I am someone who has it all “figured out”, and from wanting you to understand that we are all in life figuring it out, together.  Some of the lessons take longer to learn than others.  I trust you will honor this process.

Despite this anger, these are the steps I have taken to shake myself looser….

  1. Started this blog as a place to share and land a truth that I hope resonates with others
  2. Become a coach so that I may serve in a way that fits who I am and the woman I am becoming
  3. Growing up as the eldest of 4 children in a family whose modus operandi, message and theme was “you’re on your own, kid”, I have evolved into a woman who seeks and builds community through Crystal Source.
  4. Wanting to share the work of women I respect, admire and love, I organized a free Tele-seminar series without knowing how the whole thing would work out.  My desire was so strong, I barreled through and made it happen anyway.
  5. Made a commitment to pulling back more and more layers of shame by using my voice, and living transparently in acts and words.  In so doing I am unburdening myself of a legacy carried by all the women in my family – and hope to clear it in all directions of time.

So, yes, I may be chicken shit.  I am also Brave.

And yes, I may not have the courage at this point to leave teaching, which is why I continue to teach Overcoming Underearning until I no longer feel the need to choose feeling “safe” over “happy”.

So be it.  Onward through this journey called my life…with a bit more mindful attention to noticing what I am doing to forward myself toward my vocation the best I know how.

Are you in between?  Tell us about your journey.

Sending my love and (((hugs))))

Joëlle

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